and perhaps i have good reason to.
i don't even know how to put my thoughts and feelings down in words.
my parents are contemplating getting a divorce.
i am sick and tired of the constant cycle of family problems i have, repeating themselves once every few years.
i am sick and tired of growing up with parents who can't work it out between themselves.
i am tired of being the buffer between them both.
i hate the tension which hangs in the air in a place i call "home".
i am twenty-three this year and i am unsure of what i want to do with the rest of my life.
i am tired of taking one-step at a time.
i am tired of not planning and not knowing what the next step beholds.
with all that is happening at home and in my head, i am even more unsure if i am with the right guy.
all this makes me sad. mainly the problem with my parents because when i look at them this way, i lose alot of faith in love, and in my own love-life. as i sit here typing this out, the radio is playing "love changes everything". yes it does. love changes alot of things in one's life. but when you lose love, everything falls apart.
i hate that i cannot verbalise my thoughts, and for me, sometimes the only way to get my thoughts and feelings across to the people i love is through written words, and even that doesn't work. each time i want to say something, the words freeze at the tip of my tongue, or knot up in my throat and i can't speak, or otherwise spitting out words coated with emotion-overkill and tears. usually, the opposite party gets frustrated at my silence and then it makes me feel even worse. unhappy at the situation, frustrated at them for not understanding me, angry at myself for being this way.
i can't continue anymore, because my mind has come to a blank and i just don't want to think.
Posted at 07:16 am by
abby
Did you?
rambling, bitching, because i have nothing constructive to say
yesterday, the morning show guys were discussing "Bitching".
i have been bitching for days and it is making me miserable.
miserable because suddenly i feel like i'm stuck in a rut and miserable because i am not taking any action to get out of it. tsk.
as time passes, i find myself becoming more and more of a disgruntled worker, constantly moaning about whether i am appreciated for my efforts and etc etc etc. despite all that, the other half of me is as usual consoling my self and encouraging me to press on and perservere. tsk, why can't i be more decisive? but that is work anyway, problems which everyone has so whats the big deal?
ok lah, actually the main reason i started to get disgruntled is because i have discovered that while i am here being very busy everyday, my new colleague is there playing games on her computer, making 3 hour trips to the bank, and leaving at six before the dot, and best of all, "da-baoing" the company's hamper's bird's nest (all 4 bottles) home one day, and then the canned longans the next, as though it doesn't matter at all. (does it? because it matters to me?! so what does that make me?)
(*note to ash : maybe sandra feels like that sometimes, because i can't help but feel that i am turning into a sandra soon if i don't stop all this madness.)
i am very happy with my new hair (ok, thats a lie because i wanted to leave it long and do a slight perm). i am back to the short cropped style and also with a new self-motto : any hairdo/colour/style which costs more than S$50.00, it will not work out well for me. i have cheapo-hair. i have so far spent about S$200 in total; 1 to colour my hair, and 2 to get it rebonded (i was really hoping i could take away the natural "pong-ness" of my hair) and both have turned out disastrous, putting me in the position of being a "Nasty customer screaming for a refund or re-do". so from now until i can't stand it anymore, the hair is staying short, cropped and diy-coloured, something which worked for me for years before i started getting "ideas" about keeping it long and highlighting and blah blah blah.
arghhhh...i think i need a roller-coaster ride here. i need to go bike-riding.
i feel so incredibly wound up *sobs*
need........a.........break................... *_*
Posted at 07:38 am by
abby
Did you?
